As a coach it’s my natural set point to want to help people. I naturally care. I ask questions. I listen to the answers. I want to offer my skills and expertise to help people. Recently a “non-paying” friend came up and told me, “Holly, you are trying to change me.” I was shocked and totally concerned. The last thing on my mind or heart was trying to change this person I cared about very much.
That confrontational conversation got me thinking “what is the difference between wanting to change a person and wanting to help a person?”. The answer is “perspective”. Perspective is reality. His perspective, no matter how much I tried to convince him otherwise, was that I wanted to change him. He thought I wanted him to become something different. I was simply offering my help. Help meaning I was offering to make life easier for him. It was his choice if he wanted to accept the help, or not. It was his choice if he wanted to accept the choice to change, or the choice to stay the same.
Change is a choice. A choice both parties get to make. The person receiving the feedback gets to choose. Do they like who they are and how they show up in the world? Do they like the results they are receiving, or do they not?
Offering to help is the perspective of the friend, coach, or teacher. Sometimes offered with no attachment other than the offer. That was the case in my experience.
You can’t change all of the people all of the time, or even some of the people some of the time. The only person you can change is you, and that is at the time you choose to make the change.
What is your perspective on the concept of “personal change” and “asking for help”? That perspective is your reality. Do you think everyone is trying to change you? Everyone is entitled to their point of view. When you can skillfully see both sides of a conversation and limit judgment, you truly are being mindful. Mindful: to be fully in the moment with non-judgment. Sadly this “non-paying” friend could not try on my point of view and has moved on from the conversation.
If you are ready to change and desiring help, I am here for you. My new group and individual coaching sessions started in September. Check out what offering may be right for you.